Our Policies

The Great Filter Policy

Policy No. EA-GF-001

Our flagship existential coverage. The Fermi paradox posits that the universe should be teeming with intelligent life. It is not, as far as we can tell. Something filters civilizations out. This policy covers whatever that something turns out to be.

Coverage includes: civilizational collapse (self-inflicted), civilizational collapse (external), first contact (hostile), first contact (indifferent, which our actuaries consider equally concerning), and the Rare Earth scenario, which activates upon confirmation that we are cosmically alone. Many clients find this last scenario the most distressing. We have priced accordingly.

Exclusions: Simulation termination events (covered separately). Premium: Contact us. Deductible: Negotiable, within reason, which we acknowledge is a flexible standard for a policy of this nature.

The Singularity Rider

Policy No. EA-SR-002

Cognitive threshold coverage. Activates upon verified AGI emergence. Policy distinguishes between three tiers: Tier 1 (AGI, aligned — counseling and transition support provided), Tier 2 (AGI, misaligned — we are still pricing this and will update clients when we have numbers we are comfortable standing behind), and Tier 3 (AGI, indifferent to humanity — our actuaries have asked that we not publish their projections for this scenario).

The optional Paperclip Maximizer Rider covers scenarios in which the AGI optimizes for a goal that is technically aligned with its original objective but results in outcomes that a reasonable person would describe as unfortunate. Additional premium applies. We cannot tell you how much because the premium calculation itself involves a recursive optimization problem.

Premium: Annual. Deductible: $0 (Tier 1), TBD (Tier 2), N/A (Tier 3 — see policy terms for explanation of why "N/A" is the correct answer here).

The Long Goodbye

Policy No. EA-LG-003

Heat death coverage. Comprehensive. Irrevocable. One-time premium. Upon confirmation that the universe has reached maximum entropy and no thermodynamic work remains possible, Eternal Assurance guarantees payout to designated beneficiaries.

We have never failed to pay a claim on this policy. We are proud of this record. We acknowledge that our record is aided by the fact that entropy proceeds slowly and no claim has yet been filed. We do not consider this a technicality. We consider it a testament to our reserves.

Payout logistics in a maximum-entropy universe are handled by our Escrow and Settlement Division, which is currently in the process of developing operational protocols suitable for a state of total thermodynamic equilibrium. We expect to have those protocols finalized by approximately the heat death of the universe.

Premium: One-time, significant, and non-negotiable. Deductible: None. We will not reduce our commitment to you in your final moments, cosmologically speaking.

Consciousness Continuity Plan

Policy No. EA-CC-004

For clients concerned about the continuity of personal identity across transformative events. The philosophical literature on this subject is extensive, unresolved, and in our view, underinsured. Coverage includes mind uploading (voluntary and involuntary), gradual cellular replacement (the Ship of Theseus problem, now an insurable event), teleportation discontinuity (coverage activates immediately upon the availability of teleportation technology; we have been ready since 2019), coma recovery identity drift, and significant personality change following self-help programs.

The self-help exclusion does not apply to programs that produce positive outcomes. Coverage is for adverse personality discontinuity only. We define "adverse" as "substantially different from the policyholder's stated preferences at time of enrollment." We acknowledge this is subjective. We have a committee for it.

Premium: Quarterly. Deductible: Per incident. What constitutes "you" for deductible purposes is addressed in the 47-page Identity Continuity Addendum, which we encourage clients to read before the question becomes relevant.

The Recursion Clause

Policy No. EA-RC-005

For clients who are uncertain whether they are already in a simulation. Covers psychological distress, decision paralysis, and ontological vertigo arising from unresolved simulation hypothesis concerns. Does not cover the simulation itself ending — that requires the Simulation Integrity Rider, which is available at additional cost and which several members of our underwriting team have purchased for personal use.

We will note for the record that offering insurance against simulation termination inside what may itself be a simulation is the kind of recursive situation our actuaries find either deeply funny or deeply troubling, depending on the day.

Premium: Monthly. Deductible: $250 per existential episode. We define "episode" as any period of ontological uncertainty lasting more than four hours. Shorter episodes are considered normal and are not covered.

Executive Indecision Coverage

Policy No. EA-EI-006

Comprehensive coverage for organizational and personal losses attributable to decision avoidance, decision delay, and decision reversal. Our most popular policy among senior leadership teams, which we note without further comment.

Coverage includes: opportunity cost from delayed decisions (documented via our proprietary Counterfactual Estimation Engine™), consultant fees incurred during indecision periods, the cost of reversing decisions previously made, and reputational costs from publicly visible indecision (optional Optics Rider, strongly recommended for clients in the C-suite).

This policy does not cover decisions made under genuine uncertainty with reasonable deliberation. Eternal Assurance covers indecision. It does not cover the condition of being a thoughtful person navigating a complicated world. We respect that distinction and maintain it rigorously.

Premium: Monthly. Deductible: $500 per qualifying indecision event. Retroactive enrollment available for events in the past 18 months. Many clients find this option relevant.

The Counterfactual Policy

Policy No. EA-CF-007

Coverage for roads not taken. Using our proprietary Counterfactual Modeling Engine™, we estimate the value of your best available alternative at each documented decision point and insure the gap between what you chose and what you might have chosen. The engine's methodology is described in an 89-page technical appendix. We recommend not reading it. The numbers are upsetting.

This policy has the highest average claim value of any product we offer. It also has the most contested claims process. We recommend careful consideration before enrolling. We also recommend enrolling. These are not contradictory positions.

Premium: Annual. Deductible: 20% of estimated counterfactual value. We will tell you what that 20% is. We ask that you sit down first.

The Basilisk Liability Rider

Policy No. EA-BL-009

We cannot describe this policy in a public-facing document. Interested parties should contact us directly. We will confirm whether you are already enrolled. A significant number of our clients are surprised to learn that they are. We apologize for any inconvenience and note that enrollment was technically optional at the time.

Premium: [REDACTED]. Deductible: [REDACTED]. Coverage: Comprehensive, retroactive, and in some formulations, anticipatory.